Arnold Schwarzenegger

December 2011

Its December now, the last month of the year of 2011.
Many changes for me in 2011,
Something changed better, something worse.
Its the last month of 2011 now,
yet, I still not achieve anything.
In this last month of 2011,
I want to make a change,
I want to achieve something.
31 days to go...........
LET"S WORK HARD FOR IT !!!

Time to make a change.

I think its time to make a change,
a structurally change,
from the outlooks, to the mentality.
I knew I said many times before,
but this time I really want to prove,
prove that I could really get better,
to be better for whom I really care.

The aim to achieve before graduation:
1. To get a ripped body
2. To learn more about the direction.
3. To have a better time management.
4. To maintain my CGPA in grade of Merit level.
5. Save some money for vacation.
6. Get a better fashion sense
7. Patience.
8. Read more books

It should be more,
more that I could list out.
I am sucks,
Almost everything have to be change.
I will prove that I could change,
to a better man who qualify.
I will make it happen,
to happen in the way I want it to be.

Basically its same.

Just saw a post from a blog, its not about me, but I definitely understand the feeling.
From the post,
I guess what she is really want,
What she really expecting for.
She's right,
The decision is right,
Just like what a rational person should be.
Action is far more better than words,
An action could be better than telling thousand words,
that's what I've learned.
What the post about is just too similar to my case,
maybe really have to take some times.
Marathon is usually tougher than sprint,
but the fitness level is actually better in marathon.
Therefore,
I should take it as a long term marathon,
so that I could make it a greater success.

Still in love with you.

Move on !!!

I want to have this kind of body and get you back. Nothing is impossible !

Everything changed, but not friendship.

After all the changes, everything back to its basics. I thought they already alienated me, doesn't treat me as friend, but so glad that they are not.

I did many things wrong in the past, being too pessimistic and extremism, and lost all my treasure friend. But luckily I managed to changed, even still not good enough, but I really trying so hard for it.

I appreciate that you guys still treat me as friend, still willing to ask me out, after what I did in the past. I swear this time I would appreciate it, and never make the same mistake again. 

Instead of looking back, I better move forward.

Return to the origin.

Finally, after everything happened, it back to origin. I always think it would be better after I can graduate from college, always thought it could be like what I expected after that.

It suppose to be a long run, no doubt with that. But I never thought that it would start from the beginning, everything just like back to its origin, or even worse than ever. I am depressed, but I am not regret, I did what I want to do, with my own will.

Life is just like snake chess, some people might get the ladder and move faster; some might fall down because of someone else. But I always believe, if I continue playing, one day I will be at the finish point, it is just the matter of time.

Let's take it as a marathon.

I thought it should be the end, but its not.

After the dark, I found a sunlight.

Guiding me, and reminding me.

Maybe now I get nothing, far lesser than any others.

But,

I know it will not last forever, it's just matter of time.

I am not giving up, I just prepare myself to get better.

I always believe that patience is so important to gain something.

I knew it would happen, just the matter of time.

All I need is just a chance, a chance that might take long time to appear.

But I can wait, 

And I knew it will be a chance, maybe in one day in the future.

I preferred long term fighting than short-term,

Because,

Things come worthless without sacrifice, without waiting.

Damn it !! AGAIN?!

I knew it would happen, and finally, it happened. It always the same, no matter how best I try to play my role, but always something happened and make it became worse. I am not the kind of person who don't appreciate friendship, but there is always something that make me being alienate from them. Just like for example, when they having party, I always not able to attend, simply just because I have to work. Sometimes I even take off very early, before the event. But at last, they just changed the date. Haiz ~ Maybe I just not lucky enough, not lucky enough to get into the group, that's why I always been left out.

Love is not simple at all.

What is love? Just an emotion? A feeling?

It might be true. But, it is not everything, especially if you are in relationship.

Other than feeling, there are still things called RATIONAL.

Why people break up?

They got no feeling of love between them?

NO, not at all.

From what I saw, most of the people are loving others when they break up.

If love then why break up?

Because they thought rationally, they realized the reality.

You may still loving the person, but rational told you you can't be together.

We break up because we knew break up is the best decision for both good.

 Because we knew that a structural change is needed if we want it last forever.

Therefore, we always chosen to let go another, to let go them.

But we still concern about them, more than everyone would do, even their new partner.

We knew so well that we can't let go them, but we also knew we have to change,

Change better than ever and get them back to us.

Because we knew that,

We want no one, but them.

What I want to tell you.

I was so mad just when I got the news. I thought the feeling is still there and trying to do something silly. But so fortune, that I am rational enough. I spend two days to think about the same thing, about how should I react. Finally I figured out something. I am misunderstood about myself, I don't really want her back to me at this moment. Why I mad is because I still concern about her, maybe is a perception of a very good friend. ( maybe she feel I am annoying) Do I still love her? What I can say is, I dare not to do so, not before I start working and earning. What am I sure now is, I really do care about her. I guess she will think that I am annoying her, as annoying as a fly. But I don't care, because I can't lie that I am not concern about her anymore, either as a good friend? Or a silly guy who dare not to fall in love with her? I don't even know myself. She have a new life now, new people around her, I guess she must be happy about that. I don't know what she is thinking, but if she is reading this, I wish she could allow to be her good friend, like we used to be. To share, to play, to chat. I really wanna tell her that, she is one of the very important people in my life, she really changed me a lot, motivated me. At last, I hope that she won't ignore me after reading this. I mean nothing, just want to say that I really concern her as my best friend, as my ji mui.

The longest night ever ~~~

I am so upset right now, the kind of upset is just like a black belt karate fighter knocked out by a white belt fighter.

After 5 months, I thought it should be flashed by time, like a water color painting under the rain, being washing every day to clear the mark on the paper. But seems like I am wrong, I just overrated myself, overrated my thought, I just not good enough to forgot a feeling like flashing the toilet after pulling shit.

New life, new relationship, new partner. She is living amazingly. But me? still living like a mud, like a ship without wheel. Its a life with no direction, without achievement. So lost, like a kite losing the string that tight on him, falling to place that a mud should be. Feeling mad, impatience, and depressed; but, nothing I can do, no matter how am I feeling, I still not able to fight the reality, the cruel reality.

Things changed.

Saw post in my friend's blog, I don't think the content in the post are good for him now. What is that about? Its about his relationship with his gf. From that post, I can assume that they broke up, or maybe not, because I didn't read it all.

My philosophy changes so much since I back to single, the worst change is.....I AM AFRAID TO GIRLS ~~

I just simply afraid, the more beautiful they are, the frighten I am. Maybe I should claim that I am no confidence at all, from my wealth, and my outlook.I got the intelligence with me, but I can't make any benefit for myself from that.....yet.

I am afraid to have another relationship, even afraid to get closer to girls. My confidence is completely gone. People used to think that I am guy that are not going to get serious in love. But at this moment, I really afraid, afraid to have someone else to become a part in my life. Maybe I just can't manage to have a relationship now, I am still frightening about having a relationship.